Terrible, terrible candy

Candy shopping suggestions for people who hate children

Three-minute read

Not everyone likes children. And that’s OK.

It’s not that we want anything bad to happen to them. It’s just that making them happy isn’t a high priority.

Which is why you’ll want to stock up on candy aimed directly at disappointing the little monsters, some of whom will be dressed as monsters, who ring your doorbell. Or perhaps children in your neighborhood suffer from pica and will eat anything.

Either way, make sure these end up in your Halloween candy bowl.

  • Necco Wafers Oliver Chase was inspired to invent this venerable candy in 1846 after he accidentally nibbled on a stick of colored chalk. 1 Anyone who’s ever choked down a candy heart on Valentine’s Day will recognize that they are made from the same substance as Necco Wafers.
  • Horehound Usually found hiding in the dish of weird ribbon candy on your great aunt’s coffee table. One would be hard-pressed to argue that horehound was even a form of candy. Like Necco Wafers or sorghum, it was invented before they knew how to make things that taste good.
  • Good & Plenty Good & Plenty are greatly admirable for their deceptive nature, a colorful pink and white exterior hiding a heart of evil black licorice. The product name is a striking failure of imagination, promising something that falls short of excellence but will be made up in volume.
  • Smarties A single bite on this aspirin-shaped candy reduces them to a mouthful of sour dust. Their key feature is a tube-shaped wrapper, designed to have at least half of them fall on the floor when opened.
  • Tootsie Rolls Waxy, yet tooth-shatteringly hard! Tootsie Rolls are chocolate in its lowest form, consumable only after exhausting all options, including eating the Nestle Quick straight out of the can with a spoon.
  • Bit-O-Honey The creators of this confection saw someone breaking a tooth on a Tootsie Roll and thought “We can top that!” This candy is however made with all natural ingredients including honey, wood shavings and industrial epoxy resin.
  • Circus Peanuts From Wikipedia: “The leading producers of circus peanuts are Melster Candies, Spangler Candy Company, and Brach’s …” but they are “… sold in generic label bags.” Even the companies that make them won’t own up.
  • Bazooka Joe Bubble Gum A rock-hard rectangle of bubble gum dusted in talcum powder and wrapped in a comic with a joke from 1946. No one in history has successfully blown a bubble using Bazooka Joe.
  • Pop Rocks I heard that Mikey from the Life cereal commercial ate some Pop Rocks and then drank a Diet Coke and his stomach totally exploded! For reals. My cousin knows someone who saw it happen. It’s totally true!
  • Laffy Taffy These candies are to Starburst as Hydrox are to Oreos. 2 They also pick up on the comedy + candy theme pioneered by Bazooka Joe, with a laff in every taffy. Those not candy included can just follow their Twitter feed.3
  • Raisins They’re nature’s candy! Wait kid, come back. Don’t you want to grow up healthy? Fine, have fun paying off the national debt.
  • Almond Joy What better way to introduce children to the soul crushing disappointment of life than to associate the word “joy” with turd-shaped coconut topped with a stale almond.

Some might wonder why certain items are missing from this list, notably candy corn. It’s because candy corn is fucking awesome and people who don’t like it are idiots who don’t know shit about candy or what’s good.

Regardless, with these in your candy bowl, the worst Halloween ever is guaranteed for anyone who indulges. As an additional tip for those using this shopping guide, the best way to clean eggs off the front of your house is warm soapy water, a stiff brush and elbow grease.

  1. I work a block from the former Necco factory, which is being converted to the new headquarters for GE.
  2. Even though Oreos are actually a ripoff of Hydrox. Nabisco just wanted it more.
  3. I toured the Laffy Taffy factory on a field trip in the fifth grade.